From Nowhere to Somewhere
Many years ago, I had many dreams and many principles. The part given by my mentors, some acquired by life experiences, and some….well, I'm not sure where they came from. As I grew and walked my path, I thought I knew what I was searching for. Over time, I distanced myself from what I didn't want to see—digging in the dark for light to reinforce my way.
I grew up in an environment that loved the underdog. It made us feel that we all had a chance to arrive somewhere. Nobody told us where, how, or why, just that it will happen if we fight long enough and believe strong enough.
In my head, I had lived many lives already. I've been in many places, lived with many kinds of people, succeeded, and failed. Each of those lives gave me something and took from me as much. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It is a concept that constantly reappears wherever I go. People have justified this idea by explaining to me (and themselves simultaneously) that growth and strength come from failures. They were wrong! Things that don't kill you leave you with scares, pain, and nightmares. Some that you feel every day, and some reappear at some moments. The idea that we must fail to become stronger and smarter is very true. It is valid to the extent you can recover. It is a fine line. One that makes all the difference. I would claim that nothing impressive or meaningful can be achieved without struggle and pain. But it has its limitations.
We see only the success stories. The one that makes it through. We mainly concentrate on their achievement and search to validate the idea that pain was involved in the process. Success requires sacrifice and humility. It demands and takes from a person more than he can give. Success at the end of the road balances pain and the harshness in the process. It is not what kills you that makes you stronger; it is the things that help you to grow that do. To secede, one has to overcome himself! It is the most important aspect of it. If the life experience is so brutal and hard that it takes from one more than what it gives him, there is no net positive from it. Moreover, life is a continuous experience, and our existence is limited. A net negative can accumulate and affect all the paths taken from this moment onward.
When I was young, I had a dream. One that was based on fantasy and naive hopes. I believe that most people want peace. That most of us will prefer a harder and free life over a comfortable life of compliance. I tough that logic, and the brain can overcome feelings of fear and doubt. I explain to myself that we are all one and equal and deserve peace. That may be by being good (whatever that means), helping, and giving. Some will come back to me…mystically, perhaps, or just as the way of life. I wanted to be understood and be part of these people. That all moved toward building a better future for all of us.
I lived many lives and so many people. And learned that my biggest enemy of myself is the stories I insist on believing in. Those that are unfounded on my life experience. Those that tell me that life should be something. Those that promise extreme ends, for the good and the bad. Life teaches if one is willing to listing. Listing means stop talking. Stop insisting that one is right, just, or deserving. Life just shows you, in a simple and constant way, how the world is. It took me decades to realize it. I refused to see it for a very long time. I insisted that I could shape it in my image if I repeated it enough times to enough people. I insisted the world was wrong and I was right. Not because I had conviction in my ideas but because I didn't want to be wrong. Wrong with my dream, hope, and beliefs.
The last few years have proved to me that life is hard. Over time, it becomes harder. The more you build, the more you need to give. And the more you give, the more you have to lose. I learned that people hate to lose as them as I too. I learned that the good of our children is no longer the center of our communities and that children, in general, become a burden and not bliss for many. I saw how governments around the world became a tool to impoverish those willing to work hard and how the majority of the people defend the system that enslaves them and hails for the theft of the future of the youth. I saw how people, for the sake of self-preservation, will manipulate the truth. I realized that ideas as the common good had been weaponized by scared people who cannot hold the tough that the life of others has any more importance than their safety and comfort. I saw how decent people became weak, broken, hopeless, and fearful.
Over time and with practice, Things became better. My morning Mantra helped solidify my mental path toward optimism, self-love, and general gratitude. These changes brought with them beautiful effects. My relationship with the people close to me improved. The time I spent with my daughters became extremely pleasant; I started looking at myself back in the mirror and liking what I saw.
After blaming the world for my predicament, I plunged into a long process of cultivating anger, frustration, and growing nihilism. I reached a dark place. One that hugs you and tells you there is no hope or exit. A place that screams that there is no point and that struggling or fighting is pointless. This dark place. One I can recognize today in the eye of many people. I stayed there for a while, looking at my life and everything I built around me falling apart. I developed negative stoicism, making me believe that I don't care. Neither about the world, the people of myself.
After some time, it hit me. I came to realize that I was wrong. I was wrong to believe in magic, faith, or the good of the people. I was wrong holding so tight to what I wanted the world to be. I was wrong to think that fighting harder would give me a different result (or any). I was wrong in believing that good will bring more good. It was always like that! Only in my head should things have been different. At that point, I realized this world had nothing good or bad. It is just what we expect life to be and what we do with it when proven wrong. It started and finished with me. I'm the only one responsible for my life, and I'm the only one living it.
One morning, in the middle of all of it, I had one of those moments of clarity. I looked at myself and saw only frustration and misery. I can tell you one thing for sure. It is an ugly picture to look at. I'm not sure how long I stayed there. Just looking at myself. And then it hit me. All is well! Yes, life is complicated. Yes, many things went very wrong, and yes, if life was different, it could all be easier. But after all, I'm here! And life is what it is!
After this moment of lucidity, I decided I needed to take myself out of it. I started by writing down my good things, from the basic to the sophisticated ones. I realized I had all I needed (which was very different from what I wanted). I have food, shelter, health, a healthy kid, a beautiful land to live on, and people I love in my life. This must be a good start. I wrote down all the great things I passed in my life and took the time to be thankful for all of them. I looked at the future; I wrote multiple times what I wanted to achieve and how I thought to do it. It all really helped.
I went back to meditating at least 10 minutes a day and work out for 20 minutes. I didn't manage to do it every day. But 3 days a week is better than 0, and 5 days a week is better than 3 times. I created a daily mantra to help me to remember the important part. In this process, I realized I developed a pattern of self-pity, anger toward life, and frustration about myself. It became a habit that I went back into every time I didn't have too much attention.
As part of the process, I realized that I'm not responsible for no other person's pain or destiny. I'm in charge of my own. It hit me; my purpose is simple: To live the best way I can. Not the best way I think I can do it. But the best way there is. I realized that the only measurement of improvement is who and where I was yesterday. I know I will fuck it up and take the wrong turns; it is part of living.
I realized I needed to learn to separate between what I lost and what I never had. Who I am and who I explain my self I wish to be. It is an important lesson. As it separates your existence and the story, you explain yourself, you are. "Should" is the most toxic aspect of human life. It is the main reason for the majority of our mental suffering. What we lose teaches us something, and what we never had to kill us.
Today I have a dream. Not a big one and not a meaningful one. I want to have control over my life. Do the best I can for myself. Manage to distinguish between what is in my control and what is not. What I have and what I wish I had. Remember that I'm capable. Not because of something I've done but because I have the power to change….every day! And that life is an individual path that no one can teach us or tell us how to walk. There is no right or wrong, correct or better. There is only one path.
I dream of arriving somewhere. A better place ….or just a different one. I hope that when I look back, I will always be satisfied with my path. Not because it was easy, good, or successful. But because I walk it. I know I must walk this path! After all, I would prefer being somewhere than nowhere.
Learn more about my path toward knowledge in my books or in other post I wrote previously.